After completing Insanity I declared to the world (ok...my world on facebook :) ) that I have conquered fibromyalgia. And yes I did indeed feel like a conqueror even though I still suffered from the chronic pain. I had used my mind to conquer the physical pain and through hard work I had achieved my goal of being physically fit to complete an insane program. I lived with this euphoric feeling for a few months, still working out with similar intensity but also enjoying the luxuries of life in my fitter body. However, as all good things must come to end, this euphoria also died soon and I forgot my physical fitness accomplishments and let the work stress take over my life once again.
I have always been a very driven person, as a student I excelled at academics, at work I always out performed and am pretty good at the hobbies/ fun activities that I undertake from time to time. One of the many important things I am not good at - feeling secure in my accomplishments. As I reach one goal, I start working towards the next one so much so that I have never allowed myself a true break in my life. On vacations also I would stay connected to work email, exercise twice a day to manage the increased calorie intake...basically I don't know how to truly relax. My mind is always active - counting steps as I walk alone, counting strokes as I swim, planning my day as I run, playing games on my phone while watching TV, reading while eating...the list is endless.
So it's little wonder that I was back to chasing another goal, of getting my professional life in line with my expectations, before my mind had the time to register and celebrate the hard earned accomplishment. As things continued to worsen on my work front, I sought solace in materialistic things - retail therapy, partying, salsa dancing...even though each of these things actually added to my stress levels. Salsa classes were held in mornings on Saturday and Sunday which meant that I had a pretty busy first half of the day (workout, drive to class, attend class, drive back home) on weekends as well. Partying was always accompanied by alcohol & late nights that wreaked havoc on my body. Retail therapy was always good until I would receive my credit card bill.
During this period I also made some big judgement errors, I allowed certain people to enter my life - both personal and professional, which (in hindsight) I shouldn't have! And by middle of 2014, I was at one of the lowest points in my life! There wasn't any serious professional crisis, I had all the material comforts in my personal life, health issues were there but nothing new. And yet I was unhappy and restless - there was no real reason to why I was feeling so low and hopeless. The strange thing was that my logical mind was aware of this but for some unknown reason my emotional mind wasn't accepting the reality. Action oriented personality that I am, I sought help but nothing seem to work.
In the midst of all this emotional chaos, I somehow ended up making plans with a bunch of friends to hike to Everest Base Camp. My family wasn't too happy about it as they felt that I wasn't in the correct frame of mind to undertake something as arduous as this. However, thanks to my stubborn nature (the other extreme of determination) I won the argument and I proceeded with the flight bookings and travel arrangements.
As the dates for the adventure drew close, the things on all fronts suddenly seem to spiral out of control - including my employer classifying this planned and earned vacation as unpaid leave! Another friend cum colleague who I had loaned money and who had moved the repayment date multiple times started behaving like a lunatic as I pressured him to return the loan. Even when I was in Kathmandu I received emails that made me really upset. But I told myself that I will handle all this when I am back and I continued with the hike.
I had connectivity through wifi and cellphone in the beginning but by the 4th day of the trek, I lost all modes of connection to the outside world. All I had around me was the ethereal beauty of the Himalayas and my favorite songs on my mp3 player. I would walk alone most day as I was fastest in the group and also because I needed the solitude.
As I walked alone, listening to the sounds of nature, waving to the local kids and exchanging greetings with complete strangers en-route to EBC or coming back from it, a strange sense of calm started to descend on me. At first, I was focused on the happenings outside - I would notice people, hear the river, listen to songs, interact with folks. Then I started thinking - introspecting - what did I do wrong, where did I go wrong, what could have I done better and so on...slowly these thoughts also died. I then became focused on getting to my destination. And as I stood there at the base camp - on a glacier, in absolute silence, amidst the grandeur of the white peaks around me - I felt at peace. The feeling was so strange to me that at first I couldn't understand what was happening to me. The world seemed to move in slow motion. I could hear the glacier melting, a feeling of warmth started to spread all over me and I just stood transfixed for some time till my guide called out that it was time to leave.
As I walked back to Lukla over next 3 days, mostly alone, I realized that I had stopped thinking about the destination or the future or the past. I was just enjoying the walk - if I felt tired I rested, if I felt thirsty I had water, if I felt hungry I ate and if I lost the way, I just waited for the porters to catch up with me. At one point I sat alone for more than an hour by the roadside waiting for others to show up - just enjoying the mid morning sun and watching people do their daily chores. All this was new to me, doing nothing and waiting - if nothing else I would play games on my phone but I didn't do that either. And as I just sat there doing nothing, I started to understand what being in present really means!
I have always been a very driven person, as a student I excelled at academics, at work I always out performed and am pretty good at the hobbies/ fun activities that I undertake from time to time. One of the many important things I am not good at - feeling secure in my accomplishments. As I reach one goal, I start working towards the next one so much so that I have never allowed myself a true break in my life. On vacations also I would stay connected to work email, exercise twice a day to manage the increased calorie intake...basically I don't know how to truly relax. My mind is always active - counting steps as I walk alone, counting strokes as I swim, planning my day as I run, playing games on my phone while watching TV, reading while eating...the list is endless.
So it's little wonder that I was back to chasing another goal, of getting my professional life in line with my expectations, before my mind had the time to register and celebrate the hard earned accomplishment. As things continued to worsen on my work front, I sought solace in materialistic things - retail therapy, partying, salsa dancing...even though each of these things actually added to my stress levels. Salsa classes were held in mornings on Saturday and Sunday which meant that I had a pretty busy first half of the day (workout, drive to class, attend class, drive back home) on weekends as well. Partying was always accompanied by alcohol & late nights that wreaked havoc on my body. Retail therapy was always good until I would receive my credit card bill.
During this period I also made some big judgement errors, I allowed certain people to enter my life - both personal and professional, which (in hindsight) I shouldn't have! And by middle of 2014, I was at one of the lowest points in my life! There wasn't any serious professional crisis, I had all the material comforts in my personal life, health issues were there but nothing new. And yet I was unhappy and restless - there was no real reason to why I was feeling so low and hopeless. The strange thing was that my logical mind was aware of this but for some unknown reason my emotional mind wasn't accepting the reality. Action oriented personality that I am, I sought help but nothing seem to work.
In the midst of all this emotional chaos, I somehow ended up making plans with a bunch of friends to hike to Everest Base Camp. My family wasn't too happy about it as they felt that I wasn't in the correct frame of mind to undertake something as arduous as this. However, thanks to my stubborn nature (the other extreme of determination) I won the argument and I proceeded with the flight bookings and travel arrangements.
As the dates for the adventure drew close, the things on all fronts suddenly seem to spiral out of control - including my employer classifying this planned and earned vacation as unpaid leave! Another friend cum colleague who I had loaned money and who had moved the repayment date multiple times started behaving like a lunatic as I pressured him to return the loan. Even when I was in Kathmandu I received emails that made me really upset. But I told myself that I will handle all this when I am back and I continued with the hike.
I had connectivity through wifi and cellphone in the beginning but by the 4th day of the trek, I lost all modes of connection to the outside world. All I had around me was the ethereal beauty of the Himalayas and my favorite songs on my mp3 player. I would walk alone most day as I was fastest in the group and also because I needed the solitude.
As I walked alone, listening to the sounds of nature, waving to the local kids and exchanging greetings with complete strangers en-route to EBC or coming back from it, a strange sense of calm started to descend on me. At first, I was focused on the happenings outside - I would notice people, hear the river, listen to songs, interact with folks. Then I started thinking - introspecting - what did I do wrong, where did I go wrong, what could have I done better and so on...slowly these thoughts also died. I then became focused on getting to my destination. And as I stood there at the base camp - on a glacier, in absolute silence, amidst the grandeur of the white peaks around me - I felt at peace. The feeling was so strange to me that at first I couldn't understand what was happening to me. The world seemed to move in slow motion. I could hear the glacier melting, a feeling of warmth started to spread all over me and I just stood transfixed for some time till my guide called out that it was time to leave.
As I walked back to Lukla over next 3 days, mostly alone, I realized that I had stopped thinking about the destination or the future or the past. I was just enjoying the walk - if I felt tired I rested, if I felt thirsty I had water, if I felt hungry I ate and if I lost the way, I just waited for the porters to catch up with me. At one point I sat alone for more than an hour by the roadside waiting for others to show up - just enjoying the mid morning sun and watching people do their daily chores. All this was new to me, doing nothing and waiting - if nothing else I would play games on my phone but I didn't do that either. And as I just sat there doing nothing, I started to understand what being in present really means!
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